Monday, 6 October 2014

Doing It Together is the Answer

I am regularly contacted by partners seeking information on relationship counselling, including times of availability and the cost etcetera, and which I respond to.  It is not unusual to get an email in answer to mine telling me that their partner cannot be convinced they should attend counselling.  And unfortunately there is no good fairy that lives under their partners pillow to whisper in their ears that if all else is failing, and their partner and they themselves are unhappy in the relationship, as in it is not quite ticking along like it once was, then maybe some assistance could be beneficial. 

Very briefly:
Cost will put a husband or a partner off.
If the television goes on the blink then you get a repair man in, there is no way most would want to do without their TV.  And the likely hood is, you have to pay an hourly rate.  It is probably more expensive than the hourly rate for counselling?  I guess it is not inappropriate to think, that maybe, for some, their television might be more important than their wife or their partner.

What is the dollar value of your relationship relevant to what else you spend money on?

That counselling is primarily a subjective process could be another reason. No definitive assurance can be given that counselling will fix the problem.  Valid reasoning to a point, but of course counselling is not there to fix problems, the only people who can fix the problem in a relationship are those in the relationship.  What counselling can do is assist create the environment, create the space and the mood for two people to examine and critique what is happening between them. The Counsellor is usually also a Facilitator.  Someone with the years of experience, who has, besides the training to achieve the qualifications,  has acquired a vast amount of specialist  knowledge on processes concerning what works and what does not work. Usually will have done lots of research, and has a huge knowledge bank you can have access to.  As well, counselling can give the 'tools' to assist couples deal with their issues so that they have successful relationships. A Counsellor can be a mentor and a guide. So much more...

I could write a book on this subject. Not a task I currently want to do. 

It is a fact that I do receive emails from distressed  partners telling me their husband, their wife, their partner do not want to attend counselling with them.    A question they then ask, is it worth them coming on their own?   If someone is distressed over their relationship the answer is ‘yes’ they should seek assistance to deal with their distress.  Be aware there are obvious flaws in seeking assistance to work alone with relationship issues - usually takes two to tango - to tango successfully you need to be in step with your partner.

Whither two people come to  counselling together the first time, or every time they attend counselling, for me is not critically important.  What is critically important (if the issue is about the breakdown in a relationship then both parties must commit to attending the counselling sessions)... preferably, first time together (how I work) then we take it from there... 

I do regularly see people 'one on one' where a relationship has totally broken down and where one party has not been able to continue in the partnership - it just got too hard.   I assist these people pick up the pieces.  I know for a fact, that more often than not,  it need never have got to that point if only they, together, had sought assistance.

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